An Open Letter I’ll Never Send
Friends,
I apologize in advance for the long post, but since it will never reach the intended person, I am going to post this as is here.
Closure Over Collection
Dear “friend”,
I know I told you that I will reach out someday to collect my items, but after the accidental contact from the other day, I think it’s better to not leave things to come back to. I am sorry but I don’t plan on collecting them so if you can dispose them, I will be grateful. Thus, this will be the last time I am reaching out to you as I will be deleting our conversations and removing you from everywhere so we don’t get in touch again.
Clearing the Air
I know there’s not much to talk about but I would like to part with getting some things off my chest so that I can find my peace again. This break has helped me to clear my mind, put things into perspective, and I realized a few things.
No Surprises Here
First, I know I should apologize for ending our friendship; however, this shouldn’t be a surprise to you as I have told you many times that we can’t be friends, anyway. Although that was coming from a place of unrequited feelings for you, I am not coming from there anymore.
Overvalued Attachments
Maybe I overvalued our friendship because of our shared intimacy, vulnerability, experiences, and mutual understanding, or perhaps because of my feelings for you. However, there is no longer a friendship I can return to even if I wanted.
Painful Realizations
No matter how many times you tell me that you will be there for me if I need someone to talk to, I can never confide and express my vulnerabilities somewhere my pain and trauma stems from. I can never be friends with someone who became friends with me to unload his “emotional and mental baggage”.
I didn’t realize it this is what it was, but it honestly makes a lot more sense to me now after you said it yourself. Although I always knew you talked to me to fill your void, but now I also realize you probably did everything to see if you can move on from your ex. You talked to me to keep yourself occupied, yet our friendship was mostly occupied with your breakup and relationship problems. Tbh, I didn’t know that being friends with you will entail this for me, which is why I often struggled with it.
Eight Months of Emotional Labor
We talked every day for 8 months, from morning till late night, and shared so much about ourselves with each other. That is long enough to learn about someone, and to care and feel love for them. I invested a lot of time, energy, and effort during these 8 months whether it is to cheer you up or be there for you because you are down and alone.
Crushing Words
Although you dismissed my feelings, saying I might have simply liked “the idea of you”, you telling me to “date more men as there are a billion of men like you who will want me” really crushed me. It’s not the rejection that hurts, as I always anticipated it, but the fact you disregarded my feelings so callously.
While I broke up own heart into pieces to be friends with you because I wanted to be there for you, you suggested that I simply deal with my feelings by finding “replacements”. Did you think that I can simply get over the pain from your lack of “reciprocation” simply by finding a “replacement” of you?
On Your Terms
Since day one, everything happened on your terms. Our friendship started on your own terms but truth be told, you never treated me as just a friend. I became your “emotional and mental baggage collector” on your terms and I became a “fling” on those terms too.
Friendships require boundaries which neither you nor I conveniently established. Just telling girls initially that you are looking for “just friends” isn’t enough if you aren’t going to establish and maintain those boundaries. This is an expensive lesson for me too!
Taking My Accountability
But I wouldn’t end this without taking some accountability myself. I should have known better and established those boundaries and standards myself instead of using them to my advantage. So, in many ways, this is what I deserved for being a willing participant and not valuing myself enough.
While I don’t regret loving you, I do regret doing it at the cost of my happiness and internal peace. So in a sense, this heartbreak I am enduring, this is me paying for my own sins. I will continue to pay for this till I have learned every lesson there is to learn from this.
My Final Goodbye
So dear “friend”, I am ending our friendship on my terms now. Our friendship has never been genuine on either side so there’s nothing for me to return to. I can’t simply go back to being “just a friend” and neither can I “collect your baggage” again when you get your heartbroken next time.
You were never friends with me because you wanted to, which is why you only poured into it whenever it was convenient for you. I realize that while you might have cared about me, you never valued me as a person and for who I actually am. Yet, this friendship has been a painful but valuable one for me as I learned so many “lessons” from this.
Acceptance and Peace
It took me a while to accept the loss of you in my life. But then again, I never had you, so I couldn’t have lost you. Or, I might have lost you and a part of myself as well.
Despite everything, I will always want the best for you and I want you to find your happiness again. I always truly wanted to see you happy. However, I hope we never cross paths again.
u/Clanmor
